Temporary: One of the most terrifying & relieving words that exists.

I am relieved that this hell I live in will be over someday, but I am terrified that it will end before I am ready. I am terrified because, even though I am often sad, there are days where I fall in love with this planet and everything on it.

I am relieved that I won’t be here long enough to see the memories that I have made on this Earth burn up into pure nothingness, but I’m terrified because I know that one day I will never get to enjoy the little things in life that make it worth living. One day I will never be able to walk down to Barnes and Noble and curl up in a chair with my journal and pencil; one day i’ll never be able to call up my best friend and talk about nothing, even though it really means everything.

I am relieved that one day, I won’t have our ‘almost-in-love-but-not-quite-enough’ memories playing on repeat in my head. But I’m terrified because even though they are only memories now, they were the moments I lived for 6 months ago. I’m terrified because one day I won’t be alive to make ‘almost-love’ memories, let alone ‘true-love’ memories.

I’m relieved because one day I’m going to find a man who has come to know every crevice of my body & soul and is in love with it all. He’ll know what I want before I say a word, and he’ll know I’m wrecked inside even when I’m putting on my best act. He’ll know my love for writing and art in general is stronger than the attraction between the best of lovers. He’ll know that my love for my best friend may seem stronger than my love for him, but that they are two different types of loves. He’ll learn to accept that. He’ll know my fear of change and my fear of unsaid goodbyes. He’ll know that a certain combination of words can hurt me more than a bullet ever would. He’ll know about my mistakes and my lessons-learned. He’ll know that I like never-ending conversations; that goodbye could mean forever, not just until the next morning. He’ll know that I like to hear, 'The view is pretty, but you’re prettier,’ and he’ll know that I like when he means it. He’ll know that I would rather be hurt by the truth than saved by a lie. He’ll also know that I like compliments that have true meaning behind them, like 'You will change the world someday,’ or 'Your soul is so beautiful and hard to keep up with, but I run after it because it’s what keeps me sane; it’s what keeps me alive’, or 'I lack the vocabulary to describe you.’ He’ll know that if he ever wanted to get away, all he had to do was ask and we would be on the road, headed to a place where no one knew our name. We would get lost and explore and talk about life and sex and music and God. He’ll know that I hate small talk, and that I’d rather be talking about how he got the scar next to his left ear, and how he came to hate the sister that he grew up loving more than anything else in the entire world. I want to know how he became close with his best friend, and what he thinks about what will happen after death. I want to know who he thinks about when he hears his favorite song. He’ll know all this (and much more) about me, and still be head-over-heels, crazy-in-love with me. I am terrified because one day 'he’ will not be here, and neither will I. The only thing that will survive in the nothingness the Earth will become is our memories. Our passion, for life and for one another.

I want to know his opinion on 'forever.’ He’ll know that he is my forever. The thing that terrifies me the most is that we won’t last forever, even if our love will. If that doesn’t terrify you, I don’t know what will.